Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing today to inform you of a little snafu in your communications to the stores that carry your product. You see, I am a big fan of your Black Jack Cola:

Big fan. It is the lazy girl’s Jack & Coke. It is also the “Mom-whose-kids-drink-up-all-the-coca-cola-before-mom-could-remotely-get-some-for-her-Jack”‘s Jack & Coke. You see, I’m not a big drinker (though this letter might suggest otherwise). I have the occasional mixed drink at a restaurant or party, but at home I stick with margaritas on Mexican Night or sometimes a glass or two of wine. Your product is my favorite, when I am able to enjoy it.

Over the past couple of months I have been dismayed to discover that the grocery stores I frequent do not carry this beverage any longer. I scan the aisles, hoping to get a glimpse of it, and my only choices in the Country Cocktails department have been Lynchburg Lemonade (not bad, but not what I want) and Downhome Punch (which I refuse to drink just because the name bothers me).

Last week I actually pulled a liquor department employee aside to ask the whereabouts of Black Jack Cola, and was told what I didn’t want to hear: “Oh, it’s been discontinued.”

“WHAT? How dare you say it’s been discontinued! You shut your freakin’ mouth!” I said, silently in my own mind.

So home I went, Jack-less and dejected.

A couple of days ago, I visited the grocery store close to my house. Like someone who has been rejected but still holds out hope for the relationship, I went into the liquor department and, frowny-faced, scanned the shelves.

Lo and behold, I found two 6-packs! Oh, Happy Day! I looked to my right and I looked to my left, wondering if I was going to have to fight anyone for them and, after seeing nobody, put them in the bottom of my cart under the potato chips and the toilet paper. Victorious, I paid for my groceries and that night, while making dinner, immensely enjoyed my find. (Not all 12 bottles, mind you: that wouldn’t be “drinking responsibly”.)

Today I was determined to get to the bottom of this mystery by looking online for the official notice of discontinuation. As it turns out, you have apparently discontinued your Jack Daniels Hard Cola and NOT Jack Daniels Black Jack Cola, which is the reason for this letter. Is it any wonder there is confusion out there? You need to tell your people to distribute this information correctly! Your people need to tell the stores that you still have Black Jack Cola! Seriously!

Thanks for your time, and thanks for your Black Jack Cola. Oh, and by the way? My grocery store is out of stock.

Sincerely,