(A note I posted at work yesterday, after finding a 20-clip chain:)

To Whoever Has Made This Humongous Paper Clip Chain:

You must not do this anymore, for this is one of my biggest pet peeves. I absolutely cannot stand to reach into the tin for a paper clip and bring 18 others along with the one that I grab. Please disassemble this paper clip chain immediately and find something useful to do, as you obviously aren’t using your work time wisely. Thank you.

If I find another paper clip chain in this tin, the person responsible will:

1. Have her eyes poked out with it
2. Have her head flushed down the toilet
3. Have her car scratched with the paper clips (okay, not really that one: that’s just mean)
4. Be forced to run down B. Road, NAKED, with a salon sign in their hands-—you know, to bring in new business
5. Be subjected to other to-be-determined consequences.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Love always and forever,